dreaming_dragons: Humanity Is Not What It Seems, As Reality Plays My Darkest Dreams (fear)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons
 I guess everyone's had moods like this, maybe it's just me more so than most. Then again, I can't say I make an effort to get out there and get myself noticed by people. To some degree, I'm scared of them, probably because I make habits to just stay shut up inside. I don't talk, and if I do it's not really anything in-depth about me or how I'm doing that day. To some degree, this seems like a defense mechanism, from the people that come into my life and break me in little or big ways, and then there are those that just leave. Not with any big fanfare, you just wake up one day and can't find them in what's left, or you think about what life would be like someday without this one person who all but holds you together in some respects. And in others, it's days wondering if you did something wrong, or if they'll ever reach out one day/ forget about you altogether. Are you really important enough to be remembered? Someone as messed up inside as you? When there are people out there that are so much better? Especially when you see people that are 'better' every day, people that don't seem to be crippled in the same way you are, aren't blocked up the same way you are, and don't seem to have that translation gap which you can't surmount/ don't understand? Because everyone else seems like such better equipped individuals, you're left out, you're the flawed one, and half the time, it doesn't seem like that problem can be fixed. You've been quiet for too long, the software's just out of date, you can't make up for what you're missing when it seem so essential. So you just fix other things and focus on other people and ideas, as you seem to be expected to fix everything so you just do it naturally with other things. Maybe you're doing it to make up for the flaw, maybe you just do it because you can't say the things others can, maybe because it seems to be the only thing you do right for people, a thing they'll actually see and understand. And when you do try to say part of the emotion, it's like dredging it out of a deep pit, one that you've heaped years of broken emotions and memories and questions you can't ask because you're not sure how, or if you're 'correct' to be asking them. And it hurts to do it, it hurts to tell, because they hurt so much and because you still know somewhere that you'll have to do it again, say it again, Find new people, find new places, the struggle to fit in as well as you can continues, with or without those emotions or supports. It doesn't matter, you don't matter, and people don't stay forever. You could just break away entirely, but you would still be alone; it's part of the curse of being a social creature: ideas and internal comforters don't quite make up for people, even if being alone would take some of the issues away or render them moot. 
But in spite of it all, you're hopeful, because you've been raised on years of dreams and happy endings, seen and imagined people beating down their own demons, and someday it will work out, right? Right? Because while your dreams might not be romantic, they might not be complex or grand, they are happy ones, ones where you're free and can share what you are unable to adequately express. Where you're not scared, where nobody leaves too soon, and where you can just be you, finding that horizon you were missing. 

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dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)
snappy_the_dragon

May 2016

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