dreaming_dragons: Who Do I Call When I'm Broken And Bleeding?~ (help?)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons
 Anxiety is a lovely thing, isn't it? Going from 'oh what a great night and everything's fine' to 'oh god, I'm falling apart on myself', I just love having moments like that. Especially considering my long-held dependence on music as a coping mechanism, not to mention the convenience MP3 players offer at the cost of hearing, according to my worrywart nurse of a mom [which I'm pretty sure is where I get a load of my own anxieties from]. Though, on this front, I will grudgingly admit that she does have a point. 
Tinnitus is a lovely thing, especially when it kicks in at odd hours of the night, seemingly just to remind you that you're making some bad decisions health-wise. Not to mention, things are getting to the point where I can't tell if it's my own scatterbrained-ness that's making me mishear things from time to time, or my hearing trouble's kicking into a new stage. If this keeps up I might as well be legally deaf. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that idea. 
I've had weird senses for a better part of my life, with eyes that get really dilated at night [and therefore pick up large amounts of light and make it easier for me to see], and nights spent partially listening for the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, giving me a weirdly tuned in sense of hearing. It's easy for me to tune out in conversations, especially when I just don't find the subject interesting, or if there's something brightly colored or fast moving around in the corner of my vision. That's another weird senses bit, being fixated on motion. 

Though, while the idea of being deaf worried me a lot when I was younger, now, it just doesn't seem to hold the same sort of sway when I consider that as things go I will likely have lost a lot of my hearing by the time I'm fifty. If I haven't already keeled over from some sort of disease. After all, I do have that whole hereditary blood disorder, dietary problems, and a dependency on a particular vitamin to make sure I don't have to go to the hospital in the near future. I dunno. The more I think about it, the more blase I get. I'll die one day. Big deal. Everyone dies someday. Chances are, given my history and health, I might be going sooner than most. That sort of thinking is the thing that trades out anxiety for apathy on a few levels, though it is calming. 
Guess that's all part of growing up. But to be honest, loosing my hearing wouldn't exactly make my life more difficult, just change it. After all, writing and reading rarely needs a good set of ears, and with technology being the way it is, maybe they'll have found something to combat hearing loss. Who knows. 
Anyway, now that the gnats are starting to move in, I'm gonna sign off. 'Till the next time. 
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dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)
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May 2016

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