dreaming_dragons: Kicking And Screaming Like A Child, I'm Out Of Control, I'm Running Wild (computer had an accident)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons
 I'm pretty sure any older sibling knows what I'm talking about when I mention the downsides to having younger brothers or sisters underfoot in the house, especially when you're the only one with things like drivers licenses or a sense of actually doing things. Or you're just the one everyone seems to expect something of as you lead the torch for the younger members of the family, like they won't think to question you an iota as you attempt to reel in their crazy antics. That's...not entirely true as more of those younger siblings hit that prepubescent stage in which they randomly seem to get their ears plugged, become idiots, or randomly collapse into puddles of anxiety and lonely paranoia...What, that last one was just me?!
I kid, everyone's got their hang-ups, issues, their own personal questions, which are all important, but at any rate we are getting off topic. 
Being the oldest of my family, with at least four younger brothers to attempt to rein in [which at best is a breeze now that they can actually feed themselves and should remember to clean up after themselves-sorry, getting off track again.], there were moments in which I would be pulled aside and told that little Timmy was having trouble in school or at home and that I had to either be on extra-good behavior or talk to them like I was a stand-in therapist because the real one didn't feel like doing their job. Though back then I really didn't think much of this, and usually wouldn't act on it either because I just didn't know what to do with the instructions. Not that I never had my moments of sibling bonding and general emotional discussion when it came to 'being a better person', but it still feels terribly forced when we're sitting in the car and it's suddenly brought to my attention that someone needs an intervention and I'm feeling strongly pressured into being the main force behind said intervention. Like I can do some magical work here that grown-ups can't, as I am technically over eighteen and a 'grown-up' myself now....

Though if it's not that, it's how you just seem to become the breadwinner in certain situations, or the driving mechanism that puts other plans into action. Like the deal over Easter when the rest of the family went away and I was left to watch both the house and the cat, and my feelings on interacting with our resident feline rarely go anywhere beyond a friendly petting or something of the like. Needless to say it was not a fun two weekends I had to spend attempting to both simultaneously deal with and keep my distance from a pet I'm not too keen on. 
Not to mention, it felt more pressuring than like I had an ample opportunity to refuse [Not to self, take a hint from a character that isn't too nice to say no.], especially in current situations in which I barely get in through the door and it seems like I punched a time clock for a second job I don't remember signing on for. Like hearing 'oh, you're home, now take little Mikey to his sports thing, your teenage brother Johnny to his academic thing that is in the opposite direction and just to be completely insufferable, we'll switch up the switch up the schedule so it will interfere with your non-existent lunch break.' the moment you walk in the door, or after the fact when you have your day planned out and it's that one monkey wrench that comes along with little or no connection to you or your to-do list, it just finds a thing to wedge itself in and then DIE. 
Seriously, by the time that last part rolled around I was not in a good debating spot. When people get mad, some throw things, some scream, I just shut down verbally and feel the need to leave the room for a bit so my brain can stop overloading from the sheer amount of 'what in holy hell are you doing you idiot' sort of thoughts running through it. And things like this:

Long story short, it's barely been a few hours into June and already I know those two weeks I have to pick up the slack despite the job I have are going to be a nightmare. I wouldn't even be too angry otherwise except for two facts. One, I was pushed to get this particular sort of job and now it feels like I'm being asked to disregard it for a sort of 'favor' that [two] hasn't happened once, but multiple times. And I understand the concept of earning my keep, I can understand being made to practice driving, which was the excuse in the old days when I first got my license. I can even, to some degree, understand being forgetful about something. It doesn't mean I will like your reasoning, or not criticize it to some degree depending on how much of a clusterfuck this makes things, but by God, I just....I don't even have words to describe this sans if and when I ever have children I will do my absolute best not to throw them on the fire like this, because if that child is anything like me that will go over as well as throwing a match on a pile of fireworks and dynamite. 
And, well, things got personal pretty quick, though getting that off my chest wasn't too bad. At any rate, though the oldest child will often enough step up to the plate and do what is asked, that does not exactly mean that your children are like day laborers that you can call at whenever it suits you. I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling more put-down than lately with this new bit. 
Hopefully this won't go on for too long...


dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)

May 2016

12345 67
15161718 192021
2223242526 2728

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 21st, 2017 04:03 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios