dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons

Yeah, thought that calm mood would last the week. Never have I been so wrong.
I am like most people, I've been angry, I've wanted to throw things, break something, start screaming, you name it. I don't usually act on it; granted, my way of shoving it down and attempting to forget or just 'ride it out' never really helped much. Especially when you find yourself getting angry not to long after for similar reasons. If it's never come to terms with, it doesn't go away. 
Despite the fact that I get this logically, it's hard to actually go through with it. I've been hurt in some pretty messed-up ways, and let me tell you, the resentment over that sometimes never really goes away. Let go for a bit, yes. Forgotten about for a while, sure. But never really leaves. Especially since it happens again and again. That one cardinal rule I've picked up since early teenage years when things first started going to hell in a handbasket; no one stays forever. People change, practically drop off the face of the earth or ignore you, and never see fit to tell you why. Or they have and you're not quite sure how to deal with it. The worst is when you never hear a thing; suddenly, they're just gone. And then if you're anything like me you wonder if you did something wrong. Maybe they're mad and never told you? Maybe something happened and you just don't know. What if they're hurt, what if something is really, really wrong, what the hell did you do?
There's also another way, in which you are steadily kept out of things. Either I've taken another level in recluse or people wait until I go away to talk about things and make plans. Middle school was a big thing for that, and I could probably sum up a lot of the insecurities there with one quote: 'If they were really your friends, wouldn't they treat you with the same sort of companionship that they treat their other friends with?'
Not that I need anything huge, like a night out or whatever, but a hello, at least, would be nice. It'd feel like I was at least being noticed. I may be quiet, but I'm not completely invisible, all. And it's not as though I don't have a working cell phone. You know, the same damn ones you use to text all your other friends? I can be added to a mass text with a few keystrokes, so there's really not that much of an issue. Hell, by this point I'd probably stay completely quiet and never say another word again; I just want to be included, is that so much to ask?
And I just realized how desperate I'd gotten. Wow. 
...And calming down a bit after listening to some Flogging Molly/Dropkick Murphies/Other bands. Music is God. 


dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)

May 2016

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