dreaming_dragons: Who Do I Call When I'm Broken And Bleeding?~ (sadness)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons
 Yeah, last week, not much fun.
Started when I'd just about forgotten an important assignment through my own negligence. If there was ever a moment when I was sure I could loose my lunch on demand, it would have been right then and there. Granted, it helped that my professor was not outwardly angry with me, offering to let me do it on Monday [and trust me when I say, I busted my butt to make sure I'd be ready on Monday, the shadows I got under my eyes were not easy to get]. Though it kind of got worse from there, from getting my ass locked out of my room Thursday morning to making it to my class nearly a half-an-hour late. Not to mention kinda sorta screwing up something on a quiz later, though that wasn't as bad compared to the two other things, so, yeah...
Not to mention, it's been getting to that time period when I find myself swapping between angry, depressed, and manic for the greater portion of a week. Angry at the smallest things [well, not really. Getting into a full-blown fury normally requires some prodding.], depressed over a accumulation of junk that may or may not be my fault, and manic for the good moments when I think I inhaled Speed and Valium at the same time. 
Right now, we're stuck in no-man's land between depressed, tired, and genuinely feeling quite useless. Sort of. Mood's getting better, but the problem's not entirely solved/put to rest yet. 
Not to mention there's a whole different problem on my mind. Have you ever had someone like you a certain way when you haven't liked them back that way? Not to mention, you're reminded of the fact nearly every time you guys meet up, though that might not always occur to you or happen at certain points. And then there's everyone else. Everyone that seems to think that just because you and a member of the opposite sex hang out, it's reason for thinking the two of you are dating, and sometimes even if it's not a member of the opposite sex! And, just the way it's viewed when a girl refuses a guy. We're looked at as horrible, selfish people because we refused to just hand ourselves out to the man who asks, or just state that we'd rather be friends and not take on a relationship that's so emotionally committing. Especially in my case, I cannot do any of that right now. I just can't! Not won't, can't! I literally do not feel like I can be invested in or trust someone the way someone would need to if they were doing that! I don't want to throw my lot in with someone that I barely know, and even in some cases, I don't want to go that far with someone I've known for years! What part of 'that's not what I want' is just not clear? This isn't even regulated to just one person or a whole gender, I don't want to go out with anyone, now  stop telling me I need to! 
And not to mention, if it's not all of the angry over being forced into a role you don't want, it's the near apologetic shame from needing to say no. After all, my problems are no one's fault but my own. 
...Alright. That's it. I'll just be off to my safe spot. 
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dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)

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