dreaming_dragons: You Just Gotta Ignite the Night And Let It Shine~ (bonfire night)
[personal profile] dreaming_dragons
 It's funny when it comes to confessing; everyone has their own medium of how they say things or tell people about things. Some might use actions, imagery, music, they might write it down [like what I'm doing now, basically], or just simply come out and tell people. The latter's never been easy for me, though for the longest time, it was hard to tell why. Feelings weren't something I could just divulge. Kind of makes this blog a little ironic now, since I was always a little leery about sharing these sorts of things online. It's like showing off those journal entries you made when you were younger, or some similar equivalent. 
Anyway, off-topic, methods of sharing. I've always been leery on this. Most of the time whenever I shared how I felt about something it seemed like a hit-or-miss kind of thing. I was either acknowledged or it felt like I was being told to go bugger off in no uncertain terms. Especially since in terms of emotions, it's easy to get overwhelmed, even more so if you can't readily describe what you're feeling. Maybe you're not sure what's causing it, maybe you don't know how to name the emotion [Even though I love words and working with them, writer here, it's hard to pin something as complex as a series of emotions down on the fly with seemingly simple words such as happy or sad. Even some of the more complex seem inadequate for the ones that just sweep you off your feet.], or you may be afraid of the reaction you get. 
I was always afraid of two things when it came to people; retribution, or more encompassing, being hurt by the wrong people, or disappointing those whose opinions I valued the most. Sometimes it can get bad enough to the point where I wish I didn't have to deal with certain people, though that's a desire that never lasts very long. I desire their company, I crave their approval, and I am a hopelessly loyal creature in some regards. Which is probably why when betrayal comes, it hurts that much more. Especially when it's done by those who should never hurt you.
But in the sense of communication, I always had issues, mostly thanks to this. After all, in cases of hardship for some, it may be in fact easier to just lie back, close your eyes, and tell yourself it will all be over soon. It has to stop at some point, right?
It was this path of least-resistance practice that got me spinning my wheels in terms of verbally reaching out. It made it easier for people to shunt me off to the side. Even if it didn't mean to be that way, sometimes it felt like I was being abandoned or ignored. And while true, you have to do some work in order to get and keep friends, there did seem to be some magical formula that I wasn't getting in my middle school years. Later on, it got better, to the point where it didn't seem like people were going to befriend me on some level and ignore me on others. Though sometimes, people would blurt things out that made me wonder about myself. Was there something wrong with me? Why did I find these things so hard when others seemed to grasp them with no trouble? Did it make me defective in some way? Was I flawed because I didn't have this attribute? Logically, I would have to say no. People are different. One may be more loquacious than the other, it does not necessarily make one 'better' than the other, if that word can be so clearly defined when it comes to people. However, emotionally, the idea was a little harder to swallow, even more so when it was starting to become plain that the quality was not just curious, it was something I desired to be able to do too. Though in some cases, emotions can seem selfish, like the desire to not be abandoned. People can't put their life on hold for one person, not forever, and I would not want to be the one holding people back from something they want. Even if it means they won't be so close anymore, and it might hurt just the same. Overall, their needs seem greater than the emotional spasms of a neurotic kid, don't they?
But when does selfish not always equate a need? Or I guess, in simpler terms, it would be does the term selfish always go straight into the idea of needing or wanting something? If you want or need some sort of validation, or some sort of sign that you will not be cast aside, or something as simple as needing to know that you were heard in an argument or in a conversation, does that make you a selfish person? A bad one? The lines between wrong and right don't seem as well set as people would think in this regard. People act certain ways for various reasons, some of which we may never hear about or know. In some cases, it can be a sharp shock to see the occurrences that shape a person's behavior, especially when considering the end result. 
And now it feels like I'm just rambling. Then again, this is a general norm after being up working on this for a few hours with the Internet dangling goodies in front of me every ten minutes. 
Till next time.
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dreaming_dragons: Mirror Mirror What's Behind You, Save Me From The Things I See (Default)
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